Audition Anxiety

 

We had auditions this weekend for, umm, the show that I am choreographing for the Spring. Which is “RENT!” at Quad City Music Guild. Yay! Umm. But, every time we do auditions, whether I’m on the production staff or auditioning, I always walk…out…of….the session. Uhh. Or…uh, and not just the audition itself, but the conversations that happen around…you know with people in the lobby, or with people who are, who are volunteering, or the other people auditioning. And I always tell myself,… you know… good grief, they’re gonna see how much of a… crazy person you are. And be terrified…to work with you. Umm. You know, you always re-th…I don’t know if everybody does this, but…I always…spend my time afterwards rethinking everything that I said to every single person, you know? Umm. Was I…you know…too…friendly, was I …too…much? You know. Are they…realizing that…you know…I’m…just a crazy person who says…all kinds of weird, ridiculous things. I always…analyze…every interaction… afterwards. Realizing that…umm…uh, you know, I could be very much too much for some people, umm, and hopefully…or some people might think that I’m, you know, mean, or…weird or, I don’t even know. I, there are so many things that I tell myself after interacting with people, but…The thing that, that I love about auditions is…getting to see…uh, the talent that comes through. I mean, you…there are some great surprises every time. There are…people…that I know, who I’ve worked with before, that I know are super talented and getting to see them, you know, come through and shine and…be themselves and…how amazing they all are. And it always just makes me think, you know, similar to my analyzing after, is like: I wonder…what people think when they see me, you know? Like, are they happy? Are they excited? Are they impressed? Are they…uh…disappointed? I don’t know. Umm…but, yeah. So it’s one of those things that….I think adds to…the stress of auditions. Whether…Not just the audition itself and being…nervous, and, and wanting to do well, and hoping that I am, you know, good enough. But also that like, umm, al…alternate side…the…actual interactions, and how people see me, and how they… perceive what working with me will be like. Which again, hopefully is all good. Cause, I love working with people, and I love theater, and I love sharing that…uh…with everyone. But…Umm…yeah, there’s a lot of self-analysis that goes on after auditions and…umm…I’m, I’m trying very hard to not let that turn into a super negative thing. But,…it’s also…I think, just one of the downsides of our, of this hobby that I have, and this, this art that I, that I am a part of. I think….that…you know, we always are aware of how we could be perceived. And…umm…yeah…I’m just…I’m in that headspace right now. So…so yeah, hopefully, uh…it’ll all be good and, and it’ll, it’ll, you know, people, people enjoy working with me, I hope. But, umm. Yeah. I just need to remind myself that, you know, I do what I love because I love to share that love of theater, and…that…people can… get good things from that. And I just need to focus on that, I think. Umm. But yeah, have a good day. I hope it goes well. See you tomorrow.

I'm Not Perfect

 I am not perfect. In fact, I am SO far from perfect it’s not even funny. But…I’m starting to realize that that’s ok… I knew it was ok before. You know, nobody’s perfect. You hear that all the time. Nobody’s perfect. But there are so many people…who seem like they’re perfect. Or… at least look like they…are more perfect than I am. They’re closer to perfect…. I’ve…Beginning of the year, New Year Resolutions, all of those things happen. Umm. I’m trying really hard not to make one this year. Cause it just ends up…uh, I break it, and …eh, bad…But, the thing that I do…want to continue to do is to…strive to be…the best me…that I can. And I know that that’s gonna be, how do I know when I reach that goal? Nobody knows. Umm. And…I…this may be the best I can do. I don’t know. But…I think it’s ok…to keep striving. And, and to…want to strive. BUT…to not let that idea of “best” be defined by anybody, but me. So…you know…the things that I wanna look for. Like…I wanna be healthier. And not like just losing weight. I mean, yes, losing weight is part of it. But, I don’t want to lose weight because I wanna fit some ideal from somebody else. I wanna lose weight because I know that I will feel better and be more able to do the things that I love. I will be able to dance without worrying about my knee as much. I will be able to perform onstage feeling comfortable in my own body. I will…umm…have more energy. I will…be able to focus more. Because when I do do things like exercise and eat properly I have… a clearer head. I’m able to focus….I’m able to… do, multi-task better and get the things done that I need to get done for my work, for my life, at home, whatever…So, yeah, those are the, I want to STRIVE…to better myself, so that I can live my life…more fully. So that is my goal….resolution, for 2023… I hope that…this realization of, of not doing things…for anyone else. I mean…it’s a hard line, it’s a hard line…It’s, there’s…don’t…take this with…as you will. But I hope that…I can share this realization and hopefully…support anyone else who, who wants to strive to do that. Umm. Support people who have New Year’s resolutions and help them find ways to do those. Umm. All of those…all of those things. I hope that, I hope that everyone out there is, is happy and healthy and…umm…finding…community that they need to support them to be them best sel…them best selves. Their best selves. Umm. So yeah, hopefully, hopefully this finds you all well and… that you…umm… uh, come back and visit… if I manage to do some more Blog posts this year then I did last year. Umm. And yeah, hopefully we’ll…slowly… become better versions of, of who we are and, and be who we truly are…meant to be. Have a good day.

Trying to Figure it Out

 I’ve been doing, uh, several devotions in the last couple months and… oddly reading books focused on. Not oddly reading books, but reading books that are oddly focused on the same subject. That focus on…finding your…calling or finding your path or living to your fullest…ability, umm, doing the thing that you are supposed to be doing with your life…And I… I’m trying to figure out for myself what those things are. And it’s not necessarily, you know, your…vocation or your job or your, you know, your hobbies or, it’s, it’s a combination of all of those things and…I’m trying to figure out…what that means for me. And, and one of the things that I keep feeling called to do are video…blogs. But,…I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything worthwhile to say…and so I haven’t done them. Cause I always feel like I have to have…a purpose. I have to have something profound or something interesting or something funny or, uh, you know, that there has to be something to it before I can post anything. And I was thinking about it today while I was doing my devotion this morning that…it doesn’t matter. If,…if I feel like I wanna…talk, then I should just talk. I don’t necessarily need a topic or…um…a point…to everything. And maybe part of the journey or part of the, the pull to do it is, is this need to figure out…me. And figure out…why I feel called to do that. So,…we’re gonna try and figure it out. And, and if you wanna follow me along that journey, then great and if not, that’s fine too. Umm. But yeah, so that’s kind of where I’m at. Umm. I feel like we’re all sort of on that journey all out, throughout our lives. Some people…you know, make progress…at different speeds or find those things, umm…quicker than others. Umm…But yeah, so I’m, I’m trying to find my center and find…who I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to share. So…that’s where I’m at. We’re trying to figure it out. I hope you’re doing well and have a good day!

Finding Routine

 I am very slowly…working on…rebuilding my routine. And I love routines. I don’t know…if people know that about me. But, I like having…a consistent routine. I don’t always follow it, but I like having it. And I’ve been for… the last, like, year. I’ve been trying to figure out…what routine works best…for my…uh, mental, physical, spiritual health. So I think,…that I’m getting there. I’ve been…following…uh, I’ve joined several, uh, like online streaming workout services. And…one of them, um, Figure 8 Fitness, which I love, uh, does…monthly challenges. And so they provide you with, like, a workout…for every day and then like a little…umm…you know, tip of the day or motivational…thing of the day and it’s awesome. I love reading them every day. They’re very, umm, uplifting and they make you think, you know, a little health-minded for the morning which is nice. So, you know, every morning I get up and I do whatever workout, which, so my thing is that I…also am part, uh, I have Beachbody On Demand. Which is also fantastic. They have so many great…umm, programs on there. So I sort of, you know, depending on how I’m feeling each day, or, umm…what the recommended workout is, I’ll, you know, pick and choose from both of those services to…match whatever the “scheduled” workout is for, for the day on the challenges. Uh. So doing that, so that’s my morning workout. And then I do my devotions. Umm. So I, I take my time, you know, to be in, in the Bible and, and think about, my faith and my relationship with God and, and all of those things, umm, you know, that come along with that. So, that’s great. Fine. And then I do…umm…you know, make breakfast…and all of…get ready for work and all of that. Umm. It’s the nighttime that I’m trying to get a better handle on. Umm. To solve my problem from my previous, uh, video. I’m trying to get myself to, you know, shut down screens, shut down my pho, not shut down my phone, but, umm, you know, put my phone aside, shut down my computer, turn off the television and go and read to make myself fall asleep….you know. Until I fall asleep. You know, so that I can do some reading every day in a fun book, that I can just escape. And it helps sort of, uh, keep me from over-processing everything, until my brain has had a chance to sleep and process it that way. So…that’s kind of where I’m at right now. And, and hopefully I can keep going. It’s going good so far. I’m doing pretty well and I’ve figured out sort of my system for, for everything. Umm. I just, there’s a couple things at night time that I kinda wanna…figure out a better…schedule or routine or process, uh, to sort of help my brain…umm…be complete and stop stressing so much because I know that things will get done…you know, in…time. So, I just need to give myself the time to get those things done. So. That’s where I’m at right now. Thank God for routine and for, umm, allowing myself to sort of focus in and, and figure that out. Umm. And hopefully I can keep that going for the rest of the year. But. I hope you all have a good day. I love you…umm…yeah, stay, stay healthy, stay happy and umm, and just know that, that I love you and that’s, that’s all I’ve got for you…Have a good day.

Reading Issues

I love to read… and…if you don’t love to read, you may not understand pretty much anything of…or not understand, but not, uh, empathize with…anything that I’m gonna say right now. But…so, those of you who are on my Facebook, uh, may have seen that my mom and I…both keep a reading log of all the books that we’ve read. Just to…keep track. And uh, so we count it…at the beginning of the year every year…and my mom read a ton of books this year. My…goal for last year was to read 75…books…Which I’ve done…in the past. So I was like, “ok I can do it.” For some reason I…While my mom like…read like a demon this year during quarantine. I…was less…excited to read…I guess. And I don’t know why? Cause I love it and I still…like, there’s all these books that I wanna read and they sound fantastic and I want to get into them…But….I don’t know if…my…the way that I think about…how, reading…or…finishing goals or, or anything. May have hindered me from doing…as much reading. Because I find right now…I’m really into the books that I’m reading, but at the same time…they’re…frustrating or I find that I, I get…I’m not reading them as quickly as I was…reading previous books by the authors that I’m reading. And, and I don’t know if its because I…am tired of their style and should try reading somebody else, or…the storyline isn’t as fascinating or…I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know. But, or, it’s that…I’m realizing that I’m trying to get through these books, so that I can read other ones…But my problem is that I’m, like, in the middle of a couple of series…and I really wanna finish those series before…I move on to something else. Because if I stop now…and then come back to them…I’ll feel like I need to start over from the beginning and like, re-read the books that I’ve already read. And that just seems…so…ridiculous. So…I’m trying really hard to get through…the series that I’m working on right now so that…I can…move on to new authors or books or whatever… I sprinkle in, like,…um, other books. Cause I, I listen to a few podcasts that review books. So I read…you know…I’ll read one of those books in-between reading…uh, these other books. But…it’s jus…there’s so much that I want to read. And I, I feel like I’m…dragging my feet to get there. Like I haven’t finished a book yet this year and I mean, it’s only been six days I realize, but usually I could probably finish one or two books…in…a couple days. Even…with working and, and all of that, so…I don’t know. I’m not sure how to, how to go about…fixing that problem. But… you know…it’s a new year. So we’ll see what happens and I’ll just…keep on…keeping on. So, that’s my thoughts for today. Hopefully you all are having a great day and, um, a great beginning of January and…uh, here’s to, here’s to a new year. Thanks!

My Word for 2021

 

Hey everybody. Happy New Year. Umm…I just finished my workout for, my first workout, for the new year. Um and it made me think of, um, the fact that the word that I’ve decided to focus on this year is Consistency. Umm. Last year’s word was strength and I don’t know…I have to think a little bit to see how that…umm, showed up in my life. But,…this year I really want to focus on being consistent in…umm…uh, everything in my life, in my work, in my exercise, in my…spiritual life, in…my emotional life, in my relationships, all of that. So, that’s my word for this year. We’ll see how it goes. But…one of the things that I want to focus on being consistent with, and I don’t know what that consistency looks like, is posting, umm, more video blogs. Because…umm…I get joy from that. And I…you know, whether people watch and whether people care…you know. It’s… I’ve realize that I’ve missed that, umm, the last half of this year. Where, uh, I was just trying to figure out what I could do…to…Help my…state of mind and my…umm… uh, get out of my depression. All of those things. And I realized that…doing this is one of those things that I enjoy doing, whether it’s…being watched by people or not. Umm, but…it’s a way for me to…get…emotions out and thoughts out. And share a little positivity. Umm. Because that’s my focus of these, is…to try to be positive and to find positive every day. Whether it’s… uh, something little or something huge, or…uh, you know, maybe a sad memory, but that makes us happy, you know? Any of those things. So…that’s my goal for this year. To try and be more consistent. And that may…umm, it may be every day, it may be once a week, umm, it may be once a month. I, you know, just whenever I feel like I need some positivity to share and, and I have something that I wanna share. So…uh, we’ll see. We’ll see how it goes, but, umm… Hopefully you all had a great New Year’s and, umm,  are ready to focus on…whatever it is that you wanna focus on for this year. But,…peace, love, joy, those are mine. And…umm…I wish you all…uh, happiness.

A Good Day

So, today was…one of those generally just good days. You know those days? Like, so, today… I had a pretty decent day at work. Um, I had some things that I really wanted to get done, and, or needed to get done and I got most of them done. Not all of them, my computer was being feisty today. But…most of them. I got most of them done. So that was good. Feeling that sense of accomplishment and… you know… feeling like things had happened the way they were supposed to. Sorry, I’m blinding y’all again. Um, but, so THAT was good. And then I was able to connect, uh…digitally with, uh, a friend that I haven’t spoken to in a while. So it was nice to reach out to her and be able to reconnect with her. Um, Tracy Pelzer-Timm I love you. And, so that was. That was nice. And then also, uh, just my dad and I, or, have been commenting on a post I did on Facebook and, um… reminding, uh, me, of, of doing theatre with him when I was little, so…just good memories. And, and again a chance to virtually connect with my dad which is always nice. Um, cause I love my parents and, and so that was good. So, you know, just a really good day and, and I feel like I’m very settled and, and positive and in a good place. Uh, just from doing…you know…all of, uh, getting back on with the Vlogs and …doing, um, devotions every morning which is a very centering thing for me… personally. God!...and…Sorry! Umm…So I’m able to…uh, start my day with, with focus and intent…and…uh, hopefully keep a positive attitude throughout the day, uh, because I start… that way. And then I usually try to end it by being positive here, so. I feel like I’m succeeding so far which is great. Um. Hopefully I can keep it going…or, uh, you know, at least as, as often as I feel like I have something to say. Um…I’d rather …have a purpose and, and have a focus with each video versus…rr…talking about random nonsense. Which is generally what I talk about anyway. But to at least have an idea of where I’m going…with, uh, each video as it, as it gets posted. So…uh, you never know. Some days might have a, you know, focus and a theme and a…reason that I feel like I have something to say! And some of them… may just be me…randomly talking about nonsense. So…there ya go. But, uh, yeah. But, today, was a good day. I hope everybody else had one as well. And I will…see you all soon. Bye!

What I Miss

I was thinking today about the fact that I, uh, miss… theatre right now. I mean obviously a lot of us do. Especially… all of my theatre people. But…I…was realizing today…what it is ABOUT theatre that I miss the most. And it’s the rehearsal process. Like, I…love that process. I don’t know…I can’t say that I like it more than performing, cause obviously, I’m a performer. Like, that’s what we do. But…it…there’s something about that rehearsal process and that’s like the building of those relationships and those friendships that you take with you, past, you know, the show itself.  And…it’s those relationships that can really make a show super special and one that you really wanna go back to because the thea, the group was so cohesive and you’re…beh, backstage routines are… set because you…interact with this person all the time and it was super fun and during rehearsals you had this moment where it happened and, and it worked really well so then you do it every single time. Things like that and those….I don’t know, there’s something about that, that practicing to put on the final project that I…I love. And I love that process and I like being a part of that process and, and seeing it all happen, and, and watching as, as those characters develop and…Whether I’m, uh, you know have a speaking role or, or am in, in the ensemble, which is the more often one. But, uh, it…I don’t know…I don’t know what it is about that. Like, I used to love dance class. I, I loved that coming together once a week and practicing things and learning dances and learning new steps and learning those skills and working on them and, and the comradery of…us as a class and all of those things that…create those relationships. I like that process and I love being a part of that, so. That is really what I’m MISSING right now. And I, I wish that…we could have that. I miss, I miss that mo…those, you know, moments and those, and those things. But, yeah, so, all of my, my theatre people that I’ve done shows with before or, and hope to them in the future. I miss you all and hopefully we’ll get to be together again soon. So, have a good day!

Nerding Out for a Sec

I am a voracious reader. Like, I love to read. Umm. Especially when I find a book that …captures my imagination and, and has characters that you really wanna, like, sink your teeth into, you know? And…I…am a huge fan of the debate between… books vs. films. You know, how people have that debate of which are better. I usually think the books are better, but really…it’s because there’s so much ability to describe and to create and, and it’s really…You see the world, uh, whether it’s real or fantasy, umm, that the author themselves creates. So you’re reading their descriptions and the characters are fully fleshed out and you understand them because you’re reading the descriptions and their inner monologues and all of those things that make people…SO… complex. And I think that some of that gets lost when it’s translated to film. Especially, because you have to cut a lot of that…description and that creation and that complexity to get something across on film. Some of it you don’t need because it doesn’t take as much to, to create a character. You, you see it in the way the actor portrays them obviously. But, I think that…there’s... something to be desired because you, there’s so much of that inner monologue I think that we lose. And, uh, there…as I read books, you know, I find these characters that I would love to play or would love to see on film. Obviously, I would love to play them on film, cause that’s what I do, but…umm,…yeah. I, there’s… some that I would fear would lose that translation and I would be upset with how…dumbed down is the wrong term, but …uh….dumbed down it would be. Because you have….those…loss, the loss of that inner monologue. And one book series that I’m super attached to right now, and mainly because there is a character that…I would love to sink my teeth into. It’s such a complex, and…uh…deeply emotional…and, and her history is, is so powerful and has so much to do with the journey that she takes throughout the book series. And not just her character, all of the characters have that. Umm, but it’s the Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews, who I absolutely love. Their writing is abso, amazing. And it, each of the characters, both the, the women, who you hear the story through. Umm, Kate Daniels is the main character and she, you hear the story mostly through her voice, stories mostly through her voice.  But, uh, they’ve written other, uh, side stories, umm, with some of the other female characters that they’ve introduced. So you have, uh, the character I would LOVE to play would be, uh, her best friend Andrea Nash. And…she… they, it, they’re so complex. But not only the women. You don’t get the inner dialogue from the men, but you can tell that the men that these women interact with, and fall in love with, and…uh, all of those things, but everyone who’s part of this society have such rich histories and, and they’re created and they’re brought to life and you get to see them through the way that the stories are told and written. And I…would….I would love to see it on film because I feel like it would be…SO great. That, because these characters are SO complex and are so… It’s a post-apocalyptic series and it involves magic and, you know, shape-shifters and it’s, uh, my…bailiwick if you…will. But…I…it’s also about the relationships and these, these people that are trying to survive in this society and all of the societal rules and the way that people look at each other. And…it’s, it’s a great series. So I would recommend it if you are a fantasy person. Even if you’re not, I would recommend it. Its super easy to follow. Umm. It’s, you know, it takes place in post, post-apocalyptic Atlanta, which is fun and entertaining and it… Yeah, I…it’s one of those…things that I would love to do. But AGAIN, because so much of the story is told from the perspective of… the characters and their…so their…they think, you know, you read their thoughts and their thoughts are so much of the comedy and, and….how they’re…why you connect with them is because of their inner thoughts and their inner turmoil that, that you follow them through on these, you know, epic stories. And…sss…yeah…I, it, I feel like a lot of that would get lost in translation, unfortunately. And I, I just think about what, you know, what would be a way…to do …that and to…provide…that…inner…monologue without…destroying…the storyline. I mean, not destroying, but…how, how to balance being able to share some of those really hilarious… inner...thoughts. Because the characters are horribly sarcastic when they’re thinking to themselves and processing and reacting to the things around them. But that’s what’s so funny and so entertaining and so….um, makes you able to connect with these amazing characters. And it explains a lot of how they react to things and why they react that way and…. Again, things that you can get in a book, but…I don’t know if you would be able to… translate to…film, to a film medium. But I would love, I would love to see it and I would love…to…be able to…to just do…something like that. And that, I mean its, and their… strength of these women and all of those things, so, I would check it out. It’s a great series like I said. Umm, but, and yeah, and those are the weird things that go through my head. Umm, of what I would, what I love to do, what I would LOVE to do. And that I would find entertaining and hopefully other people would find it entertaining which is why I think they would make great television or movies or however they would want to do it. But, umm, yeah. So that’s my random thought for today. Check out those books. Uh, again, the Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews. And I hope you all have a great day. Bye!

Good, Not Great

I wanna start this by saying that I am NOT fishing for compliments, so, please do not feel like you need boost my …ego… off of anything that I’m saying. But, with this whole quarantine thing I’ve realized…and been amazed I guess. I’ve been amazed by the number of people that have… found new ways to express themselves. Like, just, all of my artistic-y, theatre-y friends, because I have 5 million of them. And…watching…things that they post on-line of like “ oh hey I’m doing THIS new artistically creative thing” or “I’m doing THIS new artistically creative thing”. And…I keep thinking…I…don’t really have anything…that I do…that’s…like that. I mean, I…I DO. But I don’t have the courage…to…share it with others. Except for talking about random nonsense on this wonderful blog. So I was like, “I should… get back to that and I should do that thing that I …randomly enjoy doing” for, you know, no reason whatsoever.  And, it doesn’t really matter if people watch it or if people care, or you know, the people that do care will watch it and respond and the ones that don’t…won’t. So, its really not, you know… So…here we go…here’s what I’m doing. Yay! But, I…thinking about all of that and thinking about, you know, people who have the courage to, to share those things that they do really well. Whether it be, you know, dance videos or singing videos, or acting stuff, or I’m trying to not blind you all with the light behind me. But…and realizing that I fee, I think…the reason that I don’t have the courage to do that is because I don’t feel like…I’m amazing at any of those things. So, I’m, you know, I’m, I’m good at a lot of things. I’m a, kind of a jack of all trades. I… can do a lot of different things… decently. But I don’t have anything that I’m like, “Oh I’m really great at this thing here. So I should share it with the world because I’m so fantastic at it.” And I…I wish that I had that, but at the same time…I…feel like…you…I don’t know it’s one of those things that you just know that you have. And I, and I KNOW that I enjoy entertaining people. That’s the thing that I KNOW that I enjoy and that I’m good at. But it’s figuring out…what I can do…to do that thing…really well. You know? It’s a…it’s a, it’s a struggle. But, I…so yeah, so here is… hopefully what I’m gonna to be doing for the next however long…is,  you know, randomly…uh, videotaping me being ridiculous and talking about just random…things, that…you know, people probably don’t care about, and if they feel like watching they can, um…but still…um…providing myself that outlet versus…um… keeping everything inside, cause I think that that’s very dangerous. So…um…so yeah, so I’m gonna share, and I’m gonna talk and hopefully…somebody watches and it’ll be fine. But, um…but yeah, that’s, that’s all I’ve got. So…hopefully you all enjoy it and…umm….yeah, enjoy. Please keep doing  and sharing all the wonderful things that you all are doing out there and I hope that you all have a great day. Bye!

Listen to Yourself

Apparently I really needed sleep yesterday. Because not only did I sleep in so much that I had to like race to get to work, so I couldn’t do my workout in the morning. But then, that night, I…last night…that night, whatever, I fell asleep literally sitting up at my kitchen table. Literally. So apparently my body was in desperate need of sleep. Which I find strange, cause I haven’t not been sleeping. So, I, apparently I’m just running myself down. I don’t know. But it brings up a really important point. I had told my online fitness group that I was gonna get my workout in last night and I was gonna take a picture and I was gonna prove it to them. So here’s why you didn’t see a picture. But, I think, it’s very important to listen to what your body’s telling you. Clearly I needed sleep. Which is fine. Took a day off, it’s fine. However, it’s important not to let that turn into a new excuse. Umm, for me this is super important because I will then use those excuses to then derail everything that I’m working toward. So…today, got up, did my workout. TA DA! And, uh, moving on. So, that’s a huge success for me to say “ok, I needed a break yesterday, that’s fine. Jump back into it today, we’re ready to go.” So, wanted to share that little tidbit with ya. Listen to yourselves, let your bodies relax when you need to, let your minds relax when you need to, take breaks when you need to. But don’t give in to that. Make sure that you…recover and keep going and keep moving and keep fighting, everyday. It’s…life is a struggle, but we’re in it together. Umm…so, yeah, that’s, that’s what I’ve got for today. Have a good week everybody.

Weekends Are Hard!

Happy Saturday everyone. I haven’t been incredibly…umm…constant with, uh, doing my blogs, but…I think it’s because I feel like if I don’t have anything to say…then I don’t really have a reason to post anything, so… Today I feel like I have something to say. Sorry, I’m breathing really hard cause I just did my workout. Umm… Which is what I wanted to talk about. Weekends are difficult for me. A lot of people that when I read on, umm, fitness posts and blogs, and online on my group people are like “Oh the weekends great because I have all this time and so I get my workout in and, uh when I don’t have time during the week.” So not true for me. Weekends, because I can sit and relax, my body doesn’t want to do anything. So I have to mentally like force myself to get up and do my workout. Which I did today, so I’m super proud of myself. And, it’s almost like when I do that that I then have proven to myself that it’s possible. So the next time that I have an excuse in my head of “oh, I’m not feeling that great.” Or “Oh I, my knee hurts a little bit today, I think I’m gonna not do anything.” No-no, no-no, Sara get off your butt and do your workout. Do it! So yeah, that’s, that’s kind of where I’m at today. Where I’m realizing that I have this huge mental block when it comes to the weekend. And I need to get out of that. Because, I want to see myself get healthy. And feel comfortable in my own skin. And get rid of the excuses that I have for not living my life to its fullest potential. So that’s what I’m doing. Today is done. Workout-Success. I hope you all have a great weekend. And, hopefully I will see you a little bit more often this week. Have a good one.

Community

Hi guys! So I was doing my devotion this morning and they were talking about being lost. And, that’s a topic that, uh, the devotions have covered before, umm, but, I was thinking about, umm. More, not like being lost physically, but being lost emotionally and spiritually. And I definitely have had those times in my life. A lot of people would say that I am still kind of going through a little bit of that. But the question was, umm, where…do you, or who, uh, helped you reorient yourself, or what helped you reorient yourself. And I definitely think that Community is really important when you’re feeling emotionally or spiritually lost. Umm, for those people that are, umm, religious then definitely your, uh, your church community, or, your umm, faith community of any kind. Umm. For me in High School, or in, College, umm, it was very much the staffs that I worked with in Summer Camp. Faith wise. But, I’ve definitely found…myself, found myself, umm, in the fitness groups that I’ve been, uh, that I’ve joined recently. And it’s super amazing, and I’ve been told, many, many times before in my life that accountability is important. Obviously. And having that supportive buddy, like a workout buddy or, uh, you know, somebody that you can reach out to to make sure that you’re doing all the things that you should be doing. And I’ve joined a couple of fitness groups on Facebook and it’s crazy how centered staying active in that will make you. And it’s blowing my mind actually. So, umm. Yeah, find your community, that would be my phrase for today. Find your community. Make it, make it tailored to you. It doesn’t have to be fitness, it doesn’t have to be faith. It could be theater. I have a wonderful theater community. It could be a quilting community, it could be, uh, whatever. Sports team, you know, anything. Whatever you find, uh, gives you passion in your life. Use that community. Not necessarily asking them for the support or whatever that you would, uh, think you need. But, just get involved. Throw yourself into it. Be fully committed to whatever that group or community is and it’s amazing the emotional support that will be given back to you. So yeah, that’s what I’ve got for today. I hope everybody has a great day. Umm. And…I’ll see ya later.

The Power of a Positive Mindset

It is gross and freezing rainy outside so what better to do then do a blog post to all of my fantastic people. Since I got sent home from work early and have time. So…uh, mindset is a huge topic that I’ve heard on a lot of my umm, Facebook fitness groups, umm, and my, uh,…the…you know, food blogs and other podcasts that people do. And, I used to not really pay attention to that, and/or, think that that really had much to do with it. Plus I was like “Well, I’m doing pretty good. I mean, you know, I have a decent mindset. I don’t really need to work on it.” Such a lie! So, I started working with a trainer one on one. I talked about her before, Nina Schreckengost, she’s amazing by the way. And, one of the things that she stresses a huge amount is mindset and the fact that if…she’s actually said this like legit before, but if you are in the same place mentally…30 pounds from now why would you stay there? Why would you keep that success? Basically that, when we work to lose weight our body changes, so why shouldn’t our mind change with it? Because in order to accept yourself at that new smaller weight, or stronger muscles, or whatever physical place you’re in, if your mind isn’t ready to accept where you’re at, you’re never gonna succeed and stay there. It’ll, you’ll go right back into your old body physical shape because your mind is still there. So, that is something that I’ve, uh, taken and run with in terms of…umm…trying to focus on the positives in my life. Trying to, make myself believe the good things that people say about me. That I’ve been told, but, my normal way to take a compliment is, “yeah, but, you’re being nice.” So I’ve tried to force myself to take those things that people say and that I need to believe about myself if I’m ever gonna to get to where I wanna be. And really think through that. And it’s amazing how focusing just that little bit on making myself a more positive person is amazing. In how I see myself and how I see not only my successes in my weight loss journey, but also those days and weeks and months that I have failure. Where I’m “too busy” to work out or I don’t meal prep correctly, so I go the fast food joint for the whole week and of course the weight comes back on. Umm, so instead of seeing that as a huge failure and not wanting to keep going I’m able to look at that and say “You know what? That’s ok. That’s down, that’s it, we’re gonna start from here, we’re gonna keep going.” Because I know what I need to do to get to where I wanna be. It’s just taking those steps, every day. And reminding myself that I do see success when I try and follow, umm, the paths that’s put in front of me and make those positive changes in my life. So that’s it for today. Umm, I haven’t been keeping up with this. So I’m gonna try really hard to keep posting and talking about, umm, random stuff and also my weight loss journey on the way. I hope you all have a wonderful day and, umm…we’ll see you later!

Five Days Down

All right, so, weight loss journey check in time. Umm, I’m kind of proud of myself, uh, today actually. Umm. Not that I’ve ex…you know made some huge massive change. But, umm, they always say that in your weight loss journey it’s about the little changes that then create the big change. And I…have managed to do workouts, uh, for the last 5 days. Today was day 5. I’m breathing a little heavy and I’m a little sweaty cause I just finished. Umm. I’ve been working out in the mornings, which has been fantastic for giving me energy all day. And that’s a big thing that I’ve noticed this time around. I mean I’ve… previously when I’ve been working out, umm, I’ve noticed that I have energy. Umm. But for some reason, I don’t know if it’s the workouts with the combination of the healthier eating that I’m doing, umm, and things like that. Umm. And the mental practices that I use in the mornings, umm, plus the workouts that’s giving me so much energy. But umm, but yeah, this time I feel crazy good. Umm, And I’ve noticed, nobody else probably would notice. Umm, but I told my trainer, Nina Schreckengost, about this. And I was super excited, umm, and, in a weird way. I was like, this is kinda weird, kind of a weird thing to notice. But I’m kind of excited about it. But the muscles, not that you can see where I’m pointing, between, uh, my hamstrings and my glutes are like super more defined then they were. Umm, and I just randomly noticed it. Like, I don’t know, I was like brushing off my pants or something and I was like huh! Hey there’s muscles there that I didn’t know about. Umm. So that was super exciting. And when I told, uh, Nina about it she was like: well, that means that you’re doing things in proper form, so good job. And I was like Oh! Well thanks! That’s good to know. I’ll keep that up then. Umm, so yeah, so that’s exciting. That’s where I’m at. Five days down. Umm. And yeah, I’m loving every second of it. So…yay! I hope everybody else is having a great week. Happy Tuesday! Umm. And I will see you later!

New Year Breakthrough

So I became, uhh, incognito again. But, uh, here I am trying to get back on track, and umm, do the things that I really feel like I need to be doing. Umm. Like for instance, I’ve really stepped it up both, uh, exercise-wise and healthy eating wise. It may not look like it from what’s back here, but we’re working on it. Umm. But yeah, I’ve…made kind of a major breakthrough in the last week of, uh, the year, into this new year. Ummm. And I…I just realized that I…I’m capable, and I deserve…to be happy in life. And to lose weight, and to be healthy. Umm. There isn’t anything stopping me, except for me. So, I need to stop doing that and start getting healthy and to be the way I want to be. Umm. I was doing a devotion this morning and the, one of the questions was: How much do you think other people affect the way you feel about failure. Or something like that. Umm. And I responded, cause I write in my little journal. Umm. That definitely some, I feel like other people affect my self worth, umm, in some ways. Umm, And I think that’s true of everybody. Umm. But, what I said was that I know that, umm, I feel like, uh, people don’t see me. Uh, I feel invisible a lot. And not…uh, be, it’s not anybody’s fault, I just, it’s how I feel, whether it’s true or not. Umm, but then I know that a lot of that is on me. Umm, I tend to not demand to be seen. And since I don’t always like to be in the spotlight, umm, it’s kind of a big battle.  Because, umm, I don’t like attention put on me. Umm, cause I don’t feel like I deserve it, I guess is how that works. And yet, here I am doing a video blog. So, I, you know. It’s a world of contradictions. But, yeah, so that’s where I’m at. I’m back. I’m gonna chat a little bit everyday and we’ll see how it goes. Have a great week.

The Best Laid Plans

Filmed Friday 12/14/18

Hello friends! So, like most people in America and possibly more then that I am…have been trying to lose weight. Tsk. So…umm, I’ll probably talk more about all the different ways that I’ve tried to lose weight, umm, more, uh, in future blogs, cause that’s sort of, umm, part of why I started doing, uh, video blogs, but….Anyway. So, umm, I had this great plan for this week. You know, like, how you do. You start out your week and like, ok, so this week I’m gonna, make it to the gym three times, I’m gonna do three home workouts. This was my plan by the way. Tsk, umm, I’m gonna eat real good and I’m gonna drink a lot of water. The best laid plans. So, it was one of those weeks. Like, I would wake up in the morning and I’d be really motivated. I would do my morning devotions and I would, umm, clean my house for half an hour, and I would do, make all my food for the day so I had all my food with me to be healthy. Umm, so I did really good on food and my morning routine. Tsk, it’s the gym that is the world’s problem, tsk. So, I…did not make it to the gym, at all this week. Also didn’t do any of my home workouts, point of fact. Except today, cause I was like, I’m over this, I’m gonna post about it on my blog, I better do it. So, workout done today. Did not go to the gym. Did a home workout, as you can see I’m still in my workout clothes. You probably see some of the sweat on my face. Tsk. But, umm, yeah, so, this is me, being real, sharing it will the world. Gonna get better from here. So, my plan, again, planning, tsk. For this weekend is to do home workouts Saturday and Sunday. And then start next week on Monday, going to the gym. So I will check back and I will let you all know how that goes. And like I said I’ll share sort of the rest of my weight loss journey up until now. Uh, as we go throughout the rest of time. And I’ll let you know where I’m at and how I’m doing. So, thanks for listening. Hopefully this wasn’t super long and super boring to you. Umm. Hopefully you’re not still watching it if was. But have a great day and I will see you all next time.

Theatre Family Dynamics

One of the…funnest parts of being…in a show…is building the comradery with your cast mates. And I’m, don’t have that experience on this show, uh “Miracle in Bedford Falls” right now. Cause choreo…chor, choreographying? Wow, good English. Choreographing. I am a little bit separate from all of that, uh…, interaction that happens back stage, umm, before you go on. Uh, I’ve heard a lot of people throughout my experience talking about, umm, you know you have your pre-show rituals, or your pre-scene rituals, or as you come on stage for certain scenes you always talk to this specific person, you have your moment, umm, on stage, uh, during a scene. Umm, especially as like a chorus person where you’re pretending to be a crowd, or your walking through a street scene, so you interact and have looks that you share with different people every time you do a scene. And one of the interesting things to watch as a choreographer, umm, is to see all of those different character aspects come out and see them develop and grow, and umm. For some reason tonight I just…saw a lot more of that and reacted to it and it was funny and it…it made me smile to see some of those things. And…it…it’s interesting…to see the different ways that people interact. Umm. Both the, the actors onstage and backstage, uh, the crew. Umm. I was in a particular vantage point that I could see a little bit of all of that. I saw some of the actors onstage, I saw them offstage, I could see some of the crew in the wings, I could see the pit and how they were interacting with each other and…and then of course I was interacting with different people as well.  And it, it just really kinda brought home that family aspect of doing theater. Umm, and especially with community theater where you don’t do shows for more then a couple of weekends of performances. It really makes you realize how special those relationships and, and family moments are. Umm. You know its part of the reason we do it. Is to connect with each other and connect with an audience and, umm, just really get to explore the human experience in a way that not everyone else does. Umm. So yeah, it was…an interesting food for thought today. So, umm, thought I’d share. Have a good day.

Joys of Procedural Dramas

So, I’m really into…watching…uh, police procedural dramas. Right? I think this is something that umm, I learned… not learned, but I developed a taste for, uh, because of, uh, my grandfather and my dad. Cause we used to watch shows, umm, like NYPD Blue and Law and Order, umm as a family. That was our, we would all sit down to dinner and then we would turn on the tv and we’d all watch and we’d talk about it and, umm, it would provoke conversations during dinner, uh. But it was something that we all enjoyed watching, and commenting on, and talking about.

And, so now I find myself watching shows, umm, things like Blue Bloods, and, uh, NCIS…SSSSes all of them, uh, and the CSI,  uh, Franchise as well, and I…the thing that I love about it…is. Ooo! Criminal Minds too. Oh my gosh!  Criminal Minds fan. And…the thing I love about it is the different dynamics that the different teams have. And I always think, uh, you know, cause as an actor you’re always like “oh what type of a show would I want to be on?” and “What would I wanna do?” I would, I would love to be part of a team like that. Like a team-focused show. Because I think…I just find it so interesting. All of the different shows have different team dynamics, but each one is so interesting. Like I just…I don’t know what it is about them that just draws me in. Cause then I wanna see…I watch them more for all of the different team dynamics and how they interact with each other and, and how the relationships change and build and…you know. It’s just interesting. And to see like the little side interactions that get picked up on by…and I don’t know if those are written in, I don’t know if it’s things that develop naturally. I don’t know, but I find it super entertaining. And I love to tear it apart and…umm…sorry the cat’s doing weird things…umm. But I like to tear it apart and analyze it and, so I re-watch thin…I’m a huge re-watcher. Like I will watch things 12 times to look at different pieces of it. My parents know this. But, yeah, I just, I love it and I, I love to watch those. But then, the problem with that is that I then get sucked in and like watch, binge-watch even when I should be sleeping. Problem. So, that’s probably what I’m gonna do right now. Is I’m gonna go watch some more NCIS: Los Angeles, because that’s the show I’m hooked on right now. So, have a good day, umm, and I will see you all tomorrow.

Compliments

Hello! So today’s thought was…umm…I never…really think about the things that I say to compliment people. Which sounds really bad…but it’s not I promise. So…umm…I’ve had several moments during, uh…this rehearsal process where, I’ll give somebody a compliment or umm, we’ll be having a conversation and uh, you know, something nice will happen. And then, a couple of days later they’ll come back to me and be like “that was really nice and I appreciated that”, umm, “You have no idea how much it meant”, and, uh, you know all of those types of accolades. And…it…I don’t know why it surprises me so much to…realize that the things that I say to people they take to heart. But umm, cause I take a lot of things that other people say to heart, so why wouldn’t it go the other way? Umm, but…I…I’ve just realized it a lot during this show and I…I don’t know if it’s cause of the people that are in it? Or, umm… maybe I’m just being more aware of the way that I interact with people? Because I find that a lot of times when I’m working on a show, while I’m very much a part of it and I love all of the people that I’m working with. I always feel a little separate from the community of the show. And it’s nobody’s fault. I think it’s just my weird social anxiety…ssss…whatever issues. But,…I think I’m more connected with this show, and I, I don’t…I don’t know why. Umm. But, I’m, I’m enjoying it and it’s,…it’s nice to feel that community atmosphere, umm…So yeah. That’s my, my pleasant thought for today. Take a second to, to think about the…compliments that you got and…umm… be thankful for, for your communities. Wherever they are, and whatever they are. Have a good day.