Audition Anxiety

 

We had auditions this weekend for, umm, the show that I am choreographing for the Spring. Which is “RENT!” at Quad City Music Guild. Yay! Umm. But, every time we do auditions, whether I’m on the production staff or auditioning, I always walk…out…of….the session. Uhh. Or…uh, and not just the audition itself, but the conversations that happen around…you know with people in the lobby, or with people who are, who are volunteering, or the other people auditioning. And I always tell myself,… you know… good grief, they’re gonna see how much of a… crazy person you are. And be terrified…to work with you. Umm. You know, you always re-th…I don’t know if everybody does this, but…I always…spend my time afterwards rethinking everything that I said to every single person, you know? Umm. Was I…you know…too…friendly, was I …too…much? You know. Are they…realizing that…you know…I’m…just a crazy person who says…all kinds of weird, ridiculous things. I always…analyze…every interaction… afterwards. Realizing that…umm…uh, you know, I could be very much too much for some people, umm, and hopefully…or some people might think that I’m, you know, mean, or…weird or, I don’t even know. I, there are so many things that I tell myself after interacting with people, but…The thing that, that I love about auditions is…getting to see…uh, the talent that comes through. I mean, you…there are some great surprises every time. There are…people…that I know, who I’ve worked with before, that I know are super talented and getting to see them, you know, come through and shine and…be themselves and…how amazing they all are. And it always just makes me think, you know, similar to my analyzing after, is like: I wonder…what people think when they see me, you know? Like, are they happy? Are they excited? Are they impressed? Are they…uh…disappointed? I don’t know. Umm…but, yeah. So it’s one of those things that….I think adds to…the stress of auditions. Whether…Not just the audition itself and being…nervous, and, and wanting to do well, and hoping that I am, you know, good enough. But also that like, umm, al…alternate side…the…actual interactions, and how people see me, and how they… perceive what working with me will be like. Which again, hopefully is all good. Cause, I love working with people, and I love theater, and I love sharing that…uh…with everyone. But…Umm…yeah, there’s a lot of self-analysis that goes on after auditions and…umm…I’m, I’m trying very hard to not let that turn into a super negative thing. But,…it’s also…I think, just one of the downsides of our, of this hobby that I have, and this, this art that I, that I am a part of. I think….that…you know, we always are aware of how we could be perceived. And…umm…yeah…I’m just…I’m in that headspace right now. So…so yeah, hopefully, uh…it’ll all be good and, and it’ll, it’ll, you know, people, people enjoy working with me, I hope. But, umm. Yeah. I just need to remind myself that, you know, I do what I love because I love to share that love of theater, and…that…people can… get good things from that. And I just need to focus on that, I think. Umm. But yeah, have a good day. I hope it goes well. See you tomorrow.

I'm Not Perfect

 I am not perfect. In fact, I am SO far from perfect it’s not even funny. But…I’m starting to realize that that’s ok… I knew it was ok before. You know, nobody’s perfect. You hear that all the time. Nobody’s perfect. But there are so many people…who seem like they’re perfect. Or… at least look like they…are more perfect than I am. They’re closer to perfect…. I’ve…Beginning of the year, New Year Resolutions, all of those things happen. Umm. I’m trying really hard not to make one this year. Cause it just ends up…uh, I break it, and …eh, bad…But, the thing that I do…want to continue to do is to…strive to be…the best me…that I can. And I know that that’s gonna be, how do I know when I reach that goal? Nobody knows. Umm. And…I…this may be the best I can do. I don’t know. But…I think it’s ok…to keep striving. And, and to…want to strive. BUT…to not let that idea of “best” be defined by anybody, but me. So…you know…the things that I wanna look for. Like…I wanna be healthier. And not like just losing weight. I mean, yes, losing weight is part of it. But, I don’t want to lose weight because I wanna fit some ideal from somebody else. I wanna lose weight because I know that I will feel better and be more able to do the things that I love. I will be able to dance without worrying about my knee as much. I will be able to perform onstage feeling comfortable in my own body. I will…umm…have more energy. I will…be able to focus more. Because when I do do things like exercise and eat properly I have… a clearer head. I’m able to focus….I’m able to… do, multi-task better and get the things done that I need to get done for my work, for my life, at home, whatever…So, yeah, those are the, I want to STRIVE…to better myself, so that I can live my life…more fully. So that is my goal….resolution, for 2023… I hope that…this realization of, of not doing things…for anyone else. I mean…it’s a hard line, it’s a hard line…It’s, there’s…don’t…take this with…as you will. But I hope that…I can share this realization and hopefully…support anyone else who, who wants to strive to do that. Umm. Support people who have New Year’s resolutions and help them find ways to do those. Umm. All of those…all of those things. I hope that, I hope that everyone out there is, is happy and healthy and…umm…finding…community that they need to support them to be them best sel…them best selves. Their best selves. Umm. So yeah, hopefully, hopefully this finds you all well and… that you…umm… uh, come back and visit… if I manage to do some more Blog posts this year then I did last year. Umm. And yeah, hopefully we’ll…slowly… become better versions of, of who we are and, and be who we truly are…meant to be. Have a good day.