Audition Anxiety

 

We had auditions this weekend for, umm, the show that I am choreographing for the Spring. Which is “RENT!” at Quad City Music Guild. Yay! Umm. But, every time we do auditions, whether I’m on the production staff or auditioning, I always walk…out…of….the session. Uhh. Or…uh, and not just the audition itself, but the conversations that happen around…you know with people in the lobby, or with people who are, who are volunteering, or the other people auditioning. And I always tell myself,… you know… good grief, they’re gonna see how much of a… crazy person you are. And be terrified…to work with you. Umm. You know, you always re-th…I don’t know if everybody does this, but…I always…spend my time afterwards rethinking everything that I said to every single person, you know? Umm. Was I…you know…too…friendly, was I …too…much? You know. Are they…realizing that…you know…I’m…just a crazy person who says…all kinds of weird, ridiculous things. I always…analyze…every interaction… afterwards. Realizing that…umm…uh, you know, I could be very much too much for some people, umm, and hopefully…or some people might think that I’m, you know, mean, or…weird or, I don’t even know. I, there are so many things that I tell myself after interacting with people, but…The thing that, that I love about auditions is…getting to see…uh, the talent that comes through. I mean, you…there are some great surprises every time. There are…people…that I know, who I’ve worked with before, that I know are super talented and getting to see them, you know, come through and shine and…be themselves and…how amazing they all are. And it always just makes me think, you know, similar to my analyzing after, is like: I wonder…what people think when they see me, you know? Like, are they happy? Are they excited? Are they impressed? Are they…uh…disappointed? I don’t know. Umm…but, yeah. So it’s one of those things that….I think adds to…the stress of auditions. Whether…Not just the audition itself and being…nervous, and, and wanting to do well, and hoping that I am, you know, good enough. But also that like, umm, al…alternate side…the…actual interactions, and how people see me, and how they… perceive what working with me will be like. Which again, hopefully is all good. Cause, I love working with people, and I love theater, and I love sharing that…uh…with everyone. But…Umm…yeah, there’s a lot of self-analysis that goes on after auditions and…umm…I’m, I’m trying very hard to not let that turn into a super negative thing. But,…it’s also…I think, just one of the downsides of our, of this hobby that I have, and this, this art that I, that I am a part of. I think….that…you know, we always are aware of how we could be perceived. And…umm…yeah…I’m just…I’m in that headspace right now. So…so yeah, hopefully, uh…it’ll all be good and, and it’ll, it’ll, you know, people, people enjoy working with me, I hope. But, umm. Yeah. I just need to remind myself that, you know, I do what I love because I love to share that love of theater, and…that…people can… get good things from that. And I just need to focus on that, I think. Umm. But yeah, have a good day. I hope it goes well. See you tomorrow.

I'm Not Perfect

 I am not perfect. In fact, I am SO far from perfect it’s not even funny. But…I’m starting to realize that that’s ok… I knew it was ok before. You know, nobody’s perfect. You hear that all the time. Nobody’s perfect. But there are so many people…who seem like they’re perfect. Or… at least look like they…are more perfect than I am. They’re closer to perfect…. I’ve…Beginning of the year, New Year Resolutions, all of those things happen. Umm. I’m trying really hard not to make one this year. Cause it just ends up…uh, I break it, and …eh, bad…But, the thing that I do…want to continue to do is to…strive to be…the best me…that I can. And I know that that’s gonna be, how do I know when I reach that goal? Nobody knows. Umm. And…I…this may be the best I can do. I don’t know. But…I think it’s ok…to keep striving. And, and to…want to strive. BUT…to not let that idea of “best” be defined by anybody, but me. So…you know…the things that I wanna look for. Like…I wanna be healthier. And not like just losing weight. I mean, yes, losing weight is part of it. But, I don’t want to lose weight because I wanna fit some ideal from somebody else. I wanna lose weight because I know that I will feel better and be more able to do the things that I love. I will be able to dance without worrying about my knee as much. I will be able to perform onstage feeling comfortable in my own body. I will…umm…have more energy. I will…be able to focus more. Because when I do do things like exercise and eat properly I have… a clearer head. I’m able to focus….I’m able to… do, multi-task better and get the things done that I need to get done for my work, for my life, at home, whatever…So, yeah, those are the, I want to STRIVE…to better myself, so that I can live my life…more fully. So that is my goal….resolution, for 2023… I hope that…this realization of, of not doing things…for anyone else. I mean…it’s a hard line, it’s a hard line…It’s, there’s…don’t…take this with…as you will. But I hope that…I can share this realization and hopefully…support anyone else who, who wants to strive to do that. Umm. Support people who have New Year’s resolutions and help them find ways to do those. Umm. All of those…all of those things. I hope that, I hope that everyone out there is, is happy and healthy and…umm…finding…community that they need to support them to be them best sel…them best selves. Their best selves. Umm. So yeah, hopefully, hopefully this finds you all well and… that you…umm… uh, come back and visit… if I manage to do some more Blog posts this year then I did last year. Umm. And yeah, hopefully we’ll…slowly… become better versions of, of who we are and, and be who we truly are…meant to be. Have a good day.

Trying to Figure it Out

 I’ve been doing, uh, several devotions in the last couple months and… oddly reading books focused on. Not oddly reading books, but reading books that are oddly focused on the same subject. That focus on…finding your…calling or finding your path or living to your fullest…ability, umm, doing the thing that you are supposed to be doing with your life…And I… I’m trying to figure out for myself what those things are. And it’s not necessarily, you know, your…vocation or your job or your, you know, your hobbies or, it’s, it’s a combination of all of those things and…I’m trying to figure out…what that means for me. And, and one of the things that I keep feeling called to do are video…blogs. But,…I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything worthwhile to say…and so I haven’t done them. Cause I always feel like I have to have…a purpose. I have to have something profound or something interesting or something funny or, uh, you know, that there has to be something to it before I can post anything. And I was thinking about it today while I was doing my devotion this morning that…it doesn’t matter. If,…if I feel like I wanna…talk, then I should just talk. I don’t necessarily need a topic or…um…a point…to everything. And maybe part of the journey or part of the, the pull to do it is, is this need to figure out…me. And figure out…why I feel called to do that. So,…we’re gonna try and figure it out. And, and if you wanna follow me along that journey, then great and if not, that’s fine too. Umm. But yeah, so that’s kind of where I’m at. Umm. I feel like we’re all sort of on that journey all out, throughout our lives. Some people…you know, make progress…at different speeds or find those things, umm…quicker than others. Umm…But yeah, so I’m, I’m trying to find my center and find…who I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to share. So…that’s where I’m at. We’re trying to figure it out. I hope you’re doing well and have a good day!

Finding Routine

 I am very slowly…working on…rebuilding my routine. And I love routines. I don’t know…if people know that about me. But, I like having…a consistent routine. I don’t always follow it, but I like having it. And I’ve been for… the last, like, year. I’ve been trying to figure out…what routine works best…for my…uh, mental, physical, spiritual health. So I think,…that I’m getting there. I’ve been…following…uh, I’ve joined several, uh, like online streaming workout services. And…one of them, um, Figure 8 Fitness, which I love, uh, does…monthly challenges. And so they provide you with, like, a workout…for every day and then like a little…umm…you know, tip of the day or motivational…thing of the day and it’s awesome. I love reading them every day. They’re very, umm, uplifting and they make you think, you know, a little health-minded for the morning which is nice. So, you know, every morning I get up and I do whatever workout, which, so my thing is that I…also am part, uh, I have Beachbody On Demand. Which is also fantastic. They have so many great…umm, programs on there. So I sort of, you know, depending on how I’m feeling each day, or, umm…what the recommended workout is, I’ll, you know, pick and choose from both of those services to…match whatever the “scheduled” workout is for, for the day on the challenges. Uh. So doing that, so that’s my morning workout. And then I do my devotions. Umm. So I, I take my time, you know, to be in, in the Bible and, and think about, my faith and my relationship with God and, and all of those things, umm, you know, that come along with that. So, that’s great. Fine. And then I do…umm…you know, make breakfast…and all of…get ready for work and all of that. Umm. It’s the nighttime that I’m trying to get a better handle on. Umm. To solve my problem from my previous, uh, video. I’m trying to get myself to, you know, shut down screens, shut down my pho, not shut down my phone, but, umm, you know, put my phone aside, shut down my computer, turn off the television and go and read to make myself fall asleep….you know. Until I fall asleep. You know, so that I can do some reading every day in a fun book, that I can just escape. And it helps sort of, uh, keep me from over-processing everything, until my brain has had a chance to sleep and process it that way. So…that’s kind of where I’m at right now. And, and hopefully I can keep going. It’s going good so far. I’m doing pretty well and I’ve figured out sort of my system for, for everything. Umm. I just, there’s a couple things at night time that I kinda wanna…figure out a better…schedule or routine or process, uh, to sort of help my brain…umm…be complete and stop stressing so much because I know that things will get done…you know, in…time. So, I just need to give myself the time to get those things done. So. That’s where I’m at right now. Thank God for routine and for, umm, allowing myself to sort of focus in and, and figure that out. Umm. And hopefully I can keep that going for the rest of the year. But. I hope you all have a good day. I love you…umm…yeah, stay, stay healthy, stay happy and umm, and just know that, that I love you and that’s, that’s all I’ve got for you…Have a good day.

Reading Issues

I love to read… and…if you don’t love to read, you may not understand pretty much anything of…or not understand, but not, uh, empathize with…anything that I’m gonna say right now. But…so, those of you who are on my Facebook, uh, may have seen that my mom and I…both keep a reading log of all the books that we’ve read. Just to…keep track. And uh, so we count it…at the beginning of the year every year…and my mom read a ton of books this year. My…goal for last year was to read 75…books…Which I’ve done…in the past. So I was like, “ok I can do it.” For some reason I…While my mom like…read like a demon this year during quarantine. I…was less…excited to read…I guess. And I don’t know why? Cause I love it and I still…like, there’s all these books that I wanna read and they sound fantastic and I want to get into them…But….I don’t know if…my…the way that I think about…how, reading…or…finishing goals or, or anything. May have hindered me from doing…as much reading. Because I find right now…I’m really into the books that I’m reading, but at the same time…they’re…frustrating or I find that I, I get…I’m not reading them as quickly as I was…reading previous books by the authors that I’m reading. And, and I don’t know if its because I…am tired of their style and should try reading somebody else, or…the storyline isn’t as fascinating or…I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know. But, or, it’s that…I’m realizing that I’m trying to get through these books, so that I can read other ones…But my problem is that I’m, like, in the middle of a couple of series…and I really wanna finish those series before…I move on to something else. Because if I stop now…and then come back to them…I’ll feel like I need to start over from the beginning and like, re-read the books that I’ve already read. And that just seems…so…ridiculous. So…I’m trying really hard to get through…the series that I’m working on right now so that…I can…move on to new authors or books or whatever… I sprinkle in, like,…um, other books. Cause I, I listen to a few podcasts that review books. So I read…you know…I’ll read one of those books in-between reading…uh, these other books. But…it’s jus…there’s so much that I want to read. And I, I feel like I’m…dragging my feet to get there. Like I haven’t finished a book yet this year and I mean, it’s only been six days I realize, but usually I could probably finish one or two books…in…a couple days. Even…with working and, and all of that, so…I don’t know. I’m not sure how to, how to go about…fixing that problem. But… you know…it’s a new year. So we’ll see what happens and I’ll just…keep on…keeping on. So, that’s my thoughts for today. Hopefully you all are having a great day and, um, a great beginning of January and…uh, here’s to, here’s to a new year. Thanks!

My Word for 2021

 

Hey everybody. Happy New Year. Umm…I just finished my workout for, my first workout, for the new year. Um and it made me think of, um, the fact that the word that I’ve decided to focus on this year is Consistency. Umm. Last year’s word was strength and I don’t know…I have to think a little bit to see how that…umm, showed up in my life. But,…this year I really want to focus on being consistent in…umm…uh, everything in my life, in my work, in my exercise, in my…spiritual life, in…my emotional life, in my relationships, all of that. So, that’s my word for this year. We’ll see how it goes. But…one of the things that I want to focus on being consistent with, and I don’t know what that consistency looks like, is posting, umm, more video blogs. Because…umm…I get joy from that. And I…you know, whether people watch and whether people care…you know. It’s… I’ve realize that I’ve missed that, umm, the last half of this year. Where, uh, I was just trying to figure out what I could do…to…Help my…state of mind and my…umm… uh, get out of my depression. All of those things. And I realized that…doing this is one of those things that I enjoy doing, whether it’s…being watched by people or not. Umm, but…it’s a way for me to…get…emotions out and thoughts out. And share a little positivity. Umm. Because that’s my focus of these, is…to try to be positive and to find positive every day. Whether it’s… uh, something little or something huge, or…uh, you know, maybe a sad memory, but that makes us happy, you know? Any of those things. So…that’s my goal for this year. To try and be more consistent. And that may…umm, it may be every day, it may be once a week, umm, it may be once a month. I, you know, just whenever I feel like I need some positivity to share and, and I have something that I wanna share. So…uh, we’ll see. We’ll see how it goes, but, umm… Hopefully you all had a great New Year’s and, umm,  are ready to focus on…whatever it is that you wanna focus on for this year. But,…peace, love, joy, those are mine. And…umm…I wish you all…uh, happiness.

A Good Day

So, today was…one of those generally just good days. You know those days? Like, so, today… I had a pretty decent day at work. Um, I had some things that I really wanted to get done, and, or needed to get done and I got most of them done. Not all of them, my computer was being feisty today. But…most of them. I got most of them done. So that was good. Feeling that sense of accomplishment and… you know… feeling like things had happened the way they were supposed to. Sorry, I’m blinding y’all again. Um, but, so THAT was good. And then I was able to connect, uh…digitally with, uh, a friend that I haven’t spoken to in a while. So it was nice to reach out to her and be able to reconnect with her. Um, Tracy Pelzer-Timm I love you. And, so that was. That was nice. And then also, uh, just my dad and I, or, have been commenting on a post I did on Facebook and, um… reminding, uh, me, of, of doing theatre with him when I was little, so…just good memories. And, and again a chance to virtually connect with my dad which is always nice. Um, cause I love my parents and, and so that was good. So, you know, just a really good day and, and I feel like I’m very settled and, and positive and in a good place. Uh, just from doing…you know…all of, uh, getting back on with the Vlogs and …doing, um, devotions every morning which is a very centering thing for me… personally. God!...and…Sorry! Umm…So I’m able to…uh, start my day with, with focus and intent…and…uh, hopefully keep a positive attitude throughout the day, uh, because I start… that way. And then I usually try to end it by being positive here, so. I feel like I’m succeeding so far which is great. Um. Hopefully I can keep it going…or, uh, you know, at least as, as often as I feel like I have something to say. Um…I’d rather …have a purpose and, and have a focus with each video versus…rr…talking about random nonsense. Which is generally what I talk about anyway. But to at least have an idea of where I’m going…with, uh, each video as it, as it gets posted. So…uh, you never know. Some days might have a, you know, focus and a theme and a…reason that I feel like I have something to say! And some of them… may just be me…randomly talking about nonsense. So…there ya go. But, uh, yeah. But, today, was a good day. I hope everybody else had one as well. And I will…see you all soon. Bye!